some stream of bullshit
i said i didn’t feel anything when i kiss you
it smells like summer’s sweet and sour outside
as it continues to rain on the east coast
in between moments of damp chilled humidity
smoking a rice paper joint in a bus outside of a warehouse
it continues to go out b/c rice paper is shit
fuck it, get a blunt next time
the scene inside is dirty noise bit music
with a projection to match
pixelated clouds and mushrooms dance in color
with me as i close my eyes and swim inside the sound
i didn’t lie as much as omit the truth
i had no desire to see you and i have no desire to kiss you
but you make me feel so bad inside
that i end up seeing you and kissing you
and i wonder if this is what ian feels like when he sees me
which makes me wonder if i will see him again
and then cause that internal twisted feeling
because he cares but it’s just not enough
like i care for you and it’s just not enough
you will never read this and that’s funny
what’s more funny are the people i know that might read this
this is the first time i have written something so unstructered for public viewing in a long time
i am listening to the sparklehorse danger mouse collaboration that EMI refuses to release
it’s probably getting me down more then i would be other wise
but that’s ok
*sigh*
so what am i to do?
i am still biding my time
fighting for my american dream
which i would say is similar to the original notion of what we consider the ideal american lifestyle
yes i want a family and a house and a small space to call my own
i could get blasted by this by the more “liberal” people i know
but what else is there to life?
drinking until your organs fall apart
or ingesting millions of grams of various substances?
why is it that the lifestyle i am attracted to is blasted by these people?
it’s not the end, but i think a beginning
and i am still waiting for that person to show up
it makes me question my own validity
that i haven’t seen this person
and the one i did see it in did not see it in me
what does that mean?
as lames as it sounds
my father assures me that life is a marathon and not a sprint
so i will wait and wait and while i do propel myself into the future
in 3 years i should be a teacher somewhere
hopefully a smallish place within walking distance to the school
everything is ok and will be ok
i just have to remember to believe, wait, and breath
breath!
