The Prodigal Daughter

So messed up, I want you here
In my room, I want you here
Now we’re gonna be face to face
And I lay right down in my favorite place
And now I wanna be your dog
And now I wanna be your dog
And now I wanna be your dog
Well, come on…

And now I’m ready to close my eyes
And now I’m ready to close my mind
And now I’m ready to feel your hand
And lose my heart on the burning sand
And now I wanna be your dog
And now I wanna be your dog
And now I wanna be your dog…

Well, come on…

—
the stooges

is the biggest piece of shit i know. spread that around.

some stream of bullshit

i said i didn’t feel anything when i kiss you
it smells like summer’s sweet and sour outside
as it continues to rain on the east coast
in between moments of damp chilled humidity
smoking a rice paper joint in a bus outside of a warehouse
it continues to go out b/c rice paper is shit
fuck it, get a blunt next time
the scene inside is dirty noise bit music
with a projection to match
pixelated clouds and mushrooms dance in color
with me as i close my eyes and swim inside the sound
i didn’t lie as much as omit the truth
i had no desire to see you and i have no desire to kiss you
but you make me feel so bad inside
that i end up seeing you and kissing you
and i wonder if this is what ian feels like when he sees me
which makes me wonder if i will see him again
and then cause that internal twisted feeling
because he cares but it’s just not enough
like i care for you and it’s just not enough
you will never read this and that’s funny
what’s more funny are the people i know that might read this
this is the first time i have written something so unstructered for public viewing in a long time
i am listening to the sparklehorse danger mouse collaboration that EMI refuses to release
it’s probably getting me down more then i would be other wise
but that’s ok
*sigh*
so what am i to do?
i am still biding my time
fighting for my american dream
which i would say is similar to the original notion of what we consider the ideal american lifestyle
yes i want a family and a house and a small space to call my own
i could get blasted by this by the more “liberal” people i know
but what else is there to life?
drinking until your organs fall apart
or ingesting millions of grams of various substances?
why is it that the lifestyle i am attracted to is blasted by these people?
it’s not the end, but i think a beginning
and i am still waiting for that person to show up
it makes me question my own validity
that i haven’t seen this person
and the one i did see it in did not see it in me
what does that mean?
as lames as it sounds
my father assures me that life is a marathon and not a sprint
so i will wait and wait and while i do propel myself into the future
in 3 years i should be a teacher somewhere
hopefully a smallish place within walking distance to the school
everything is ok and will be ok
i just have to remember to believe, wait, and breath
breath!

it’s weird when i see where the hits come from on the blog and i find that someone has googled my first and last name. very curious.

dear angela,

fuck you for lots of things. but mostly for throwing tantrums at nothing.

dear ian,

fuck you for being a coward and letting me love you to the point where i can not let go and i don’t know if i ever will. i don’t even care to pretend anymore.

dear john,

fuck you for fucking me behind your girlfriend’s back and being shitty to me because you think you can. fuck you for most likely doing the same thing to your wife and leaving your kid behind.

dear neil,

fuck you for being obsessed with me and killing me with kindness and then turning around and spying on me and then lying about it.

dear morgan,

fuck your relationship with quinn.

dear quinn,

see above.

dear jim,

fuck you for being a robot.

dear james,

fuck you for being a dick.

dear me,

go fuck your self pity.

the best part is…NO ONE reads this blog.

the reason that iron rusts
is due to ionization
water
iron
and
oxygen
collaborating to corrode
until eventually the iron is gone
this will only happen
in iron and alloys of iron
it does take time
and gentle disintegration
a relationship built on
water
mixed
with iron
and set to dry
leads to inevitable destruction

Q: so why even put them together?

it happens at times
on accident
a bicycle getting left out in the rain
multiple times over a period of years
tends to gather rust

other times neglect is the source
of the rust
a railroad tie on a discontinued line
left over many years untraveled
parts of which are made of steel, an alloy of iron
will rust

Q: and how is this relevant to us?

our relationship can be likened to
the occurrence of rust
(a gentle disintegration)
but we are not rust out of neglect
or out of an accident
but rather we are rust
because it is inherent in our
nature to do so together

she told me
that she was trying to meet
as many people as she could
without leaving the house

Q: how are you going to accomplish this?

she smiled and showed me her laptop
it had stickers on it
we had met at the local library
before she had obtained this
sleek piece of machinery

she said that she no longer
needed the outside world
just the one that was in here
she touched her hand to the keys

Q: what about the mystery of the great outdoors?

at this she made a half smile
and looked to me and then to the machine
she told me that it was no longer
a mystery that everything we had
ever known
or will ever know
is inside this device

her eyes glazed over at this instant
and she fell to the floor
her body gripped in the throes of
a terrible seizure jerking and moving
arms and legs and torso
moving as if they were not connected to a whole

and this is when i knew
that this was not real
and that i was asleep
and all i had to do
was wake up

He traced the airplane line
With his finger
The expulsion from the jet
Engine cutting through
The cloudless sky and he would
Lie on his back for hours to do this
In the cool grass

On a trip he was inside a plane

He was going across the ocean
Closing his eyes
He recalled what he would
Do in the cool grass
When the plane was going down
Into the ocean between destinations

When the plane skimmed at
The surface of the briny deep
He was half asleep in the
Calm memory of the cool grass

Daniel